Coming Out

Recently on Twitter I mentioned that I had been "coming out" to some people in my life about my BPD diagnosis. I've also started using my real name - Jess! - on Twitter and now on here for my blog posts.

This has been inspired, like so many aspects of my journey towards recovery have, by Debbie at Healing From BPD.

Reactions have varied, but whatever they have been, the first few minutes seem to be irrelevant as the person is usually just processing everything during this time. You need to explain it and give them a few moments to comprehend before you get the full measure of understanding and empathy that most people will offer.

In fact, so far there haven't been any "bad" reactions, just different ones. Anything from total surprise, to curiosity, to condolences. Interestingly though, a very common response has been the person then telling me about a loved one who also suffers from mental illness.

I have been genuinely taken aback by how many people already know someone they care about that struggles with mental health.

This shouldn't be surprising, as in Australia statistics are that 1 in 5 people will face a mental health challenge in any given year.

I believe that the more we are open and honest about the challenges we face, the easier we make it for other people who are facing similar challenges. Even for those who may never suffer from mental illness, statistics guarantee they will interact with people who do, and learning about one person can inform their caring and sensitivity towards another.

I also believe that there are benefits in naming a part of you and owning it for the world to see. There should not have to be any shame in suffering from mental illness, any more than there would be for having a heart condition or blood disorder.

Understandably, this doesn't mean anyone should have to shout their diagnosis from the rooftops, walk around in a t-shirt saying "ASK ME ABOUT MY BPD!!!" or begin every conversation they have with a disclosure of their mental health. I have chosen carefully who I am choosing to open up to and in what context. And if someone is just not up to talking about their mental health, then that is just fine too. Everyone is at a different point in their journey.

But no one with a mental illness has chosen to have that illness. We should all be proud of ourselves and the path we are traveling, because it is just a part of life that none of us are perfect. (Except you, dear reader!)

Doing My Homework

Recently, Debbie at Healing From BPD posted the DBT Emotion Regulation Worksheet 1A and encouraged us to consider using it in times of intense emotions.

I have just taken this advice and have found it extremely helpful, as with all aspects of DBT! 

It has allowed me to think a bit more clearly about what is going on in my head when I re-experience traumatic events in my mind. I hope that over time I will become stronger in dealing with this.

For now, here is my "homework" below. I hope to use this worksheet more often.

Emotion Names:

Hurt, Sadness, Anger, Abandonment, Panic, Anxious

Intensity:

75

Prompting Event:

Reading my journal from a time of distress in a previous relationship.

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Interpretations:

No one will ever want to be in a relationship with me, I am worthless. My ex-partner has moved on and is extremely happy. I will never feel this way and will be stuck living in the past painfully forever.

Body Changes and Sensing:

Tight chest, sick in the stomach, mild headache, lump in throat.

Body Language:

Frowning, tensed.

Action Urges:

Contact him to beg him to understand the pain he caused me and still causes me. Hurt myself by cutting/scratching my leg to distract me.

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What I Said or Did:

Filled out this sheet. Tried to Radically Accept my emotions without suppressing or blocking them as this can only make them worse. Mindfully listened to crickets chirping outside.

After Effect of Emotions:

Emotions eventually eased, still felt waves of anxiety and hurt from time to time.

Function of Emotion:

These emotions are trying to tell me that I was treated badly by someone who did not love me and that I need to look after myself because I am still recovering. For me, painful and invalidating relationships should be ended as they are unhealthy and unsustainable.

I Think I'm Trying To Tell Myself Something...

The last time I was hospitalised, one of the projects that we were most encouraged to work on in our group therapy program was a "plan" for being ill.

This sounds a bit depressing at first, but to me it's a way to utilise the DBT technique of Radical Acceptance - radically accepting that I do suffer from mental illness and that I will become unwell from time to time and that it's my responsibility to do my best to manage this.

The first part of the plan was to come up with a list of Warning Signs - these are the thoughts or behaviours you notice yourself exhibiting when you're becoming unwell. Here are mine!

As my symptoms might be triggering, I'll indicate where this starts and ends if anyone would prefer to skip this. (Thanks to Debbie at Healing From BPD, my favourite blog ever, for this idea.) 

1.  Sleep

My sleep will become of very poor quality, with frequent waking and some scary dreams, but I'll continue to spend huge amounts of time in bed.

2.  Social Isolation

I'll start saying No to everything. Leaving the house becomes harder and harder.

3.  Irritability 

Oh yeah, I become irritable as all get out! Nothing is too small to tick me off when my mood is worsening. Friends, my parents, the cat.. everyone gets some nasty words.

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4.  EDNOS

Eating becomes a minefield, because I'll either stop for anywhere from one to three days, and/or then binge uncontrollably. For anyone wondering, this is a terrible idea for weight loss! Your body thinks it's starving and so the OPPOSITE occurs. I'm just saying.

5.  Self Harm

For me, I cut my upper right leg when there's too much inside. (This never used to happen before I met a person who was not very nice. But I've already covered enough about them!)

6.  Alcohol Abuse 

During a time when my condition is not going so well, it's far more likely that I'll challenge my body to a drinking contest. I notice that I am actively trying to dull my feelings or distract myself from them when I do this. 

7.  Suicidal Ideation

I just start thinking about it a lot. Not much more to say.

8.  Suicidal Plans

For me, there's a noticeable difference between thinking about it and really thinking about it.

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Did you like the little rainbow colours of increasing craziness? :)

The second part of the plan is to have a clear idea of what steps to take when these Warning Signs show up.

For me, it boils down to:

• Telling a friend or parent that I'm not doing so well.
• Telling my Psychiatrist, Psychologist or GP that I'm not doing so well.
• Telling a Mental Health Crisis Team that I need help.

This way I can pick a response that I think suits the signals I'm giving myself. I guess it could depend on how long I've been noticing a difference, or how strong my symptoms are.

In any case, although it seems like obvious stuff, I find it helps to have it written down.

Recovery

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I found this image while browsing the web, and it just really struck me as how recovery feels.

Recovery isn't this gradual steady climb up a hill with guaranteed timelines of improvement until you're standing at the top saying "phew, glad that's over!"

To me, at least, recovery is ups and downs and relapse after relapse. It's like being lost in a fog and feeling so defeated at the end of each day you can't imagine starting again the next morning. But somehow there are some changes that do occur - but it's never what you plan, it's never easy, it's never logical... It sucks, basically.

And always, always, the road before you looks impossible and terrifying.

Image credit: "Til the End of Days" by Javier de la Torre