Wising Up To My Old Tricks!

Today I was reading a blog post from a new and different source to what I normally read, and I found myself becoming suspicious of this person and angry at them.

I did my usual trick of trying to Distract by continuing to read the post.  For me, Distraction is a good first step tool to use, as my emotions come and go so quickly it is always worth seeing if they will dart off as fast as they came.

The feelings persisted though.  I realised I had to consciously address them when I noticed myself wanting to react to these emotions.

So I spoke to myself out loud.  I non-judgementally listed how I was feeling and what thoughts those feelings were giving rise to.  Straight away, I was able to tell myself that these emotions were coming from past experiences, where I had been hurt by people who this blogger was now reminding me of.

It's amazing how often the purpose of my emotions turns out to be my brain trying to protect me from a perceived threat or harm.

After realising this, it's hard to be all that frustrated with myself or my disorder.  I mean, in its own way, my brain is just trying to look after me.  It's even kind of sweet! 

But, I know that more often than not, having BPD means my brain is using ineffective or misinformed methods when it comes to emotions and relationships.

I just need to practise rewiring and redirecting these good intentions so that they more effectively respond to what is really happening.

 

Doing My Homework

Recently, Debbie at Healing From BPD posted the DBT Emotion Regulation Worksheet 1A and encouraged us to consider using it in times of intense emotions.

I have just taken this advice and have found it extremely helpful, as with all aspects of DBT! 

It has allowed me to think a bit more clearly about what is going on in my head when I re-experience traumatic events in my mind. I hope that over time I will become stronger in dealing with this.

For now, here is my "homework" below. I hope to use this worksheet more often.

Emotion Names:

Hurt, Sadness, Anger, Abandonment, Panic, Anxious

Intensity:

75

Prompting Event:

Reading my journal from a time of distress in a previous relationship.

--- TRIGGER WARNING ---

Interpretations:

No one will ever want to be in a relationship with me, I am worthless. My ex-partner has moved on and is extremely happy. I will never feel this way and will be stuck living in the past painfully forever.

Body Changes and Sensing:

Tight chest, sick in the stomach, mild headache, lump in throat.

Body Language:

Frowning, tensed.

Action Urges:

Contact him to beg him to understand the pain he caused me and still causes me. Hurt myself by cutting/scratching my leg to distract me.

--- END TRIGGER WARNING ---

What I Said or Did:

Filled out this sheet. Tried to Radically Accept my emotions without suppressing or blocking them as this can only make them worse. Mindfully listened to crickets chirping outside.

After Effect of Emotions:

Emotions eventually eased, still felt waves of anxiety and hurt from time to time.

Function of Emotion:

These emotions are trying to tell me that I was treated badly by someone who did not love me and that I need to look after myself because I am still recovering. For me, painful and invalidating relationships should be ended as they are unhealthy and unsustainable.

Glitter Jars!

If you haven't already seen this via sites like Tumblr, Glitter Jars (also known as Calm Jars) are a great craft idea for anyone looking for a soothing activity.

When you shake the jar, it's basically just very pretty.  It's an easy form of form of Distraction as part of Distress Tolerance skills, as well as a way to Self-Soothe. Double win :)

I have also heard of them used in place of self-harm, with the idea being that if you feel the urge to do so you shake the jar and commit to yourself that you won't take any action until all the glitter has settled, then repeat as necessary.

There are lots of different versions of instructions but here is my summary...

You will need:

• Clear jar with tight sealing lid
• Glitter, 3 - 6 tablespoons (depending on jar size)
• Clear gel glue or clear craft glue,  approx 1 tablespoon per cup of water in jar
• Hot or boiling water
• Fork or anything pointy that can get messy (for stiring)
• Food colour/dye

Add the glitter and glue to the empty jar. Fill half-way with hot water. Stir, stir, stir! When it is a totally even mixture, fill the remainder of the jar with cool water and add food colouring if you want. Glue lid shut. Allow to dry before testing.

If I'd give any extra advice, it would be to use a few different sizes of glitter, so that when the smaller pieces settle slower than the large pieces you end up with pretty layering. Also, possibly prepare to have a few attempts at this, as I know I needed to!

And lastly, be careful when opening glitter packets :(